


What's Left of Me

by KaibaSlaveGirl34



Series: Degrassi Misc/Crossovers [12]
Category: Degrassi the Next Generation
Genre: Angst, Community: comment_fic, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s04e14 - s04e15 Secret, First Love, Gen, Reflecting During Flashbacks, Remorse, Wordcount: 100-2.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-30
Updated: 2011-08-30
Packaged: 2017-10-23 05:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/246913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaibaSlaveGirl34/pseuds/KaibaSlaveGirl34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oneshot. Songfic set to What's Left Of Me by Nick Lachey. Set during Secret from Season 4. Jay's thoughts after Alex breaks up with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's Left of Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Harry2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harry2/gifts).



> Here's a new oneshot I cooked up. I was watching the episode Secret from Season 4, and I got an idea. What was going through Jay's mind when Alex told him, "I'll deck your smug face too"? This is my take on it. I even made this a songfic based on "What's Left Of Me" by Nick Lachey. And I tried my best to capture Jay's mental voice really well.
> 
> Jay: Abigail, are you sure you can pull something like that off?
> 
> Me: Yes, Jay, I can. Why?
> 
> Jay: Well, I've read your works, and I must say, you do a great job getting inside the mind of a character like me in some of them.
> 
> Me: Oh, thanks, Jay.
> 
> Disclaimer: The geniuses at The N own Degrassi. The lyrics to What's Left Of Me by Nick Lachey belong with their respective owners. I own the fanfics I cook up from time to time.

I’m sitting here outside The Dot, reflecting on the events of what happened a few hours ago.

_“Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. I’ll deck your smug face too.”_

I can’t believe that Alex, the first love of my life, broke up with me. I just can’t. She was my first girlfriend, and she understood me. Sure, her mom had all these boyfriends who were mean drunks, and she would often hide the pain with a “tough girl” façade. But inside, I knew, she was really in a lot of pain.

_Watch my life_  
 _Pass me by,_  
 _In the rear view mirror_  
 _Pictures frozen in time_  
 _Are becoming clearer_  
 _I don’t wanna waste another day_  
 _Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes_

_Yeah_

I know I may be a “bad boy” that all the girls want on the outside. But on the inside, I’m really hurting. You see, when my dad took a third wife, I viewed it as her taking my place in his life. I just couldn’t deal with it at all. Some people can. But I can’t, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t.

_‛Cause I want you,_   
_And I feel you_   
_crawling underneath my skin_   
_Like a hunger,_   
_Like a burning_   
_To find a place I’ve never been_   
_Now I’m broken,_   
_And I’m faded,_   
_I’m half the man I thought I would be_   
_But you can have what’s left of me_

Now, as I sit here, the song “What's Left Of Me” by Nick Lachey plays, and I can’t help but listen to it. It kind of reminds me of me right now. Now, all I feel is pain. It always stays with you, no matter how old you are, what you do in life, or who you are. It’s still there.

Now, I’m suffering from a heart that is broken.

You know, I've heard that breakups are painful times in anyone's lives. Now, I see they knew what they were talking about. Previously I didn’t see me with a broken heart. Now, well, it feels kind of like I'm being stabbed with a thousand knives or switchblades.

_I’ve been dying inside,_  
 _Little by little,_  
 _No where to go,_  
 _But going out of my mind_  
 _In endless circles,_  
 _Running from myself until_  
 _You gave me a reason for standing still_

_And I want you,_  
 _And I feel you_  
 _crawling underneath my skin_  
 _Like a hunger,_  
 _Like a burning_  
 _To find a place I’ve never been_  
 _Now I’m broken,_  
 _And I’m faded,_  
 _I’m half the man I thought I would be_  
 _But you can have what’s left of me_

_I’m falling faster,_  
 _Barely breathing_  
 _Give me something_  
 _To believe in_  
 _Tell me it’s not all in my head_

Still, for a guy like me to be told by a girl like Alex that our relationship is over, that’s what really stings. I’m not kidding. I may look like it doesn’t bother me. But it really does. Often now, in private, my eyes almost fill with tears. When I think of what could’ve happened if I hadn’t done what I did to all those girls, including Alex’s best friend Amy.

But I can imagine that all I want, and it still doesn’t make things better.

_Take what’s left_   
_Of this man_   
_Make me whole_   
_Once again_

Memories of Alex and I fly through my head as I remember...

Her tanned skin, her raven hair, the way she would sound all tough in order to hide her pain because of her difficult home situation, the way she would often smile at me, the list goes on.

And even now, it’s still painful.

_‛Cause I want you,_   
_And I feel you_   
_crawling underneath my skin_   
_Like a hunger,_   
_Like a burning,_   
_To find a place I’ve never been_   
_Now I’m broken,_   
_And I’m faded,_   
_I’m half the man I thought I would be_   
_But you can have what’s left of me_

I am Jay Hogart, the bad boy of Degrassi on the outside, but on the inside, I’m wishing to tell someone about how I’m feeling right now. Pain, tears, frustration. It’s all there on my face.

_I’ve been dying inside you see_   
_I’m going out of my mind_   
_Out of my mind_   
_I’m just running in circles all the time_   
_Will you take what’s left_   
_Will you take what’s left_   
_Will you take what’s left of me?_   
_Just running in circles in my mind_   
_Will you take what’s left_   
_Will you take what’s left_   
_Will you take what’s left of me?_

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my time, but this is one mistake I’ll never be able to fix. What’s done is done, and I should try to put it behind me.

But... I don’t think I ever will. It will always stay with me for the rest of my life.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you like it. I worked my fingers to the bone on this one. Nice feedback is appreciated, of course. :)


End file.
